What to do when your assertiveness is mistaken for aggression?

You’re no villain yet they’re in pain. When your assertive style is misunderstood as aggression, consider 3 steps:

1. Clarify the EFFECT of the perceived aggression that pained them: lost benefits, intimidation, or disrespect. Aggression implies the intent to cause pain so you can honestly assess your own intent.
2. Show empathy by acknowledging [the stated effect] must be very difficult for them. Resist the urge to add “but”, “don’t take it personally” or non-apologies “sorry if”; they usually deepen the perceived aggression. You can be assertive and empathetic at the same time.
3. It’s possible you’ve been unfairly judged because of your sex/race/age, then you must decide whether to keep the peace by appeasing them. Peace is no weakness – it’s kindness so they can heal and you can move on without being unfairly labeled after having been misunderstood.

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